This is a draft.

Procedures for dealing with rogue politicians

Dangerous times

In a heightened security climate, public awareness of the threat environment presents an enticingly soft target for exploitation by rogue politicians. Known rogue political actors include heads of state, national leaders, spokespeople, think-tanks, and pundits.

Handling common rogue behaviours

As a responsible and engaged citizen, you may, with little warning, find yourself in proximity to a rogue politician. It is important to denounce and defuse rogue behaviour as soon as possible, to prevent the spread of fear and angst through the general population.

Threat exaggeration

If you see a political actor exaggerating security threats (tactical or strategic) by means of misused intelligence assets (including "sexed-up" dossiers) in an effort to alarm the public:

  1. approach political figure
  2. make direct eye contact
  3. speak firmly and with authority
  4. poke politician in chest with one or more fingers in a briskly-executed "double-tap"

Be aware that the subject may be wearing a three-piece suit which has substantial poke-stopping potential. It is preferable to poke too hard rather than not hard enough.

Imminent irrevocable action

If you have reason to believe that a politician is about to commence military action against foreign or domestic targets, or to commit troops to a previously-established quagmire:

  1. immediately and without warning, pie the subject directly in the face
    1. aim if possible for the open mouth, blocking the speech reflex and instantly severing the subject's gravitas
  2. stand clear to facilitate further pastry intervention by others

Remember: dangerous times call for decisive measures. Do not assume that you will have a second chance.

Regulatory issues

NOTE: in many jurisdictions, both chest-poking and pie-throwing are considered illegal physical assaults. Approaching any head of state or national leader exposes you to the risk of being shot repeatedly. Check your local laws before engaging in any political speech or expression.